


Stigma

by ChillAssWheatBackPenny



Category: EXO (Band), f(x), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: BTS AU, EXO AU, Foreplay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, POV Multiple, Suicidal Thoughts, f(x) au, 방탄소년단/방탄 | Bangtan boys | BTS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:10:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7998088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChillAssWheatBackPenny/pseuds/ChillAssWheatBackPenny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"After trying to kill yourself, you regret one of two things... you either regret ever trying to end your own life or... you regret the failure."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: MaMa

After begging my parents to let me participate in a Foreign exchange student program, Jin and I went to New York City. He attended NYU for Culinary Arts and I attended the Rudolf Steiner School. It was fun living with Jin... he was so fun and he cooked better than my parents. He always made something different for dinner every night and on the rare nights when he was too tired to cook, he'd take me to The Spotted Pig for dinner and we'd walk down to the Big Gay Ice Cream shop for dessert. Jin sometimes volunteered as a Chef at a church not too far from our apartment building so I'd follow his friend Yoongi around the city as he took pictures for photography assignments. I annoyed him but he always told me that he'd rather have me yapping at his heels than be alone. Jin's other friend, Hoseok, was always over at our place with his cousin Jungkook. Hoseok had a dance major at NYU and Jungkook went to school with me. We were never in the same classes but we hung out when we could. Namjoon... Mr. "Just because English isn't your first language doesn't mean you should be so lazy with your English pronunciations- like do you _want_  those uppity white teachers to have more shit to talk about you, Tae?  _Do you?",_  was like the cool older best friend who wasn't too troublesome but wasn't a saint either. Namjoon always helped me with my homework and every once in a while, he'd do my homework in exchange for ice cream at the BGICS. Namjoon was majoring in English and minoring in philosophy so he was always saying something poetic or something confusing. Jimin was also majoring in dance at NYU and he was _always_ over. Jin's cooking kept him coming and sometimes he'd eat until he was full and fall asleep on our sofa. We'd always let him stay the night because he was just too nice and we liked him. We became a family in our own way, each of us helping and supporting each other in one way or another.

 

My brother Jin always says that the truth will set you free- it killed my mother. The last thing my father told me was that  _I_ killed my mother but it was the truth that really did it. The only thing worst than having a gay son is having a bisexual son. Who wants a confused kid? My mother turned as pale as the moon when I let the words spill from my mouth like I wasn't a bit worried. They said they'd always support me, so why would I be afraid to tell them something that's so a part of me? It broke me in two when my father told me not to visit anymore. I was nineteen at the time. He said America ruined me and that he wouldn't tolerate such behavior. Jin defended me and my dad turned on him too. He disowned us both that day. Upon returning to America after Winter break, my mother would call sparingly and tell us that she'd change my father's mind and that we were still her babies. A year later the calls stopped. She died of cancer and my father didn't even tell us- my mother's ex-boyfriend did. We didn't even get invited to the funeral. My father called me two weeks later and said that I killed her. Jin let me take a week off from school and Jungkook came over every day to see how I was and to drop off any homework I had. Hoseok and Jimin would show me the choreography they were working on in hopes that they could distract me. Namjoon did all of my written assignments for me and reviewed them with me because he said he that even though he felt bad for me, he wanted me to return to school smarter than when I left. Yoongi was gentler to me. He'd slip pictures of Zayn Malik, Oh Yeon Seo, and LeBron James into my mailbox because he knew how much I liked them and he'd let me sit in on photography sessions with his classmates. They became even stronger for Jin and me and I often wondered how our lives would've been in we had stayed in Korea. Even with all the love and support, I still took an entire bottle of Xanax. I still got into a tub full of water, fully clothed. I still wanted to die...

 

 


	2. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up

I wake up in a stale, white room. The first face I see is Jin's. "I'm sorry." I whisper and before I can register what's going on, he's moving closer to me and smoothing my hair down as he cries. I close my eyes and wonder why I woke up. I'm sore, drowsy, tired and above all; I'm embarrassed. There's no doubting that they know that I tried to kill myself and as I avoid eye contact and listen to Jin's deep sobbing, I begin to hate myself more than I did before. "Tae..." Yoongi says quietly, "Why?" "Why not?" I reply weakly, not once looking him in his eyes. Jin begins sobbing again and I look up at him wordlessly. "You didn't kill mom." He whispers. "Yes, I did." I say, "It was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything." I sit up and Jin's hands fall down to his sides. I look at each of my friends and they all look like they've been crying at one point or another- except for Namjoon... he's blank and visibly shaken. I notice that his clothes are wrinkled like they were once wet. "You found me." I choke out realizing that this entire situation was more dramatic than I was planning for it to be. Namjoon nods slowly, "Yeah." Is all he says. He doesn't look strong enough to say anymore. "Tae, we're going get you some help." Jin pipes up, "Everyth-" "I don't want any help, I just wanna see mom." I quickly say and pull my knees up to my chin. "Tae, you tried to  _kill_ yourself. We need to take precautionary measures so that you can be safe." Jimin says. "I don't  _want_ to be safe. I took the fucking pills for a reason, Jimin. Do you think I wanna be sitting here trying to rationalize why I did what I did? I wasn't supposed to wake up." I choke out. "Taehyung, calm down." Hobi says carefully. I lock eyes with Jungkook and he breaks down, "Tae, please." He says through tears. "You have to get better. What would it take to make this work?" "You should've let me die." I say as I stare at Namjoon. "Why would I just let you die, Tae?" He asks shakily. I don't have a good answer so I bite my bottom lip and look away from him. "I wanna go home. Right now." I say agitatedly. "Do you wanna die or do you wanna go home?" Yoongi asks calmly. "Yoongi!" Jin shouts. Yoongi puts his hand up, "Let him answer." He says. "I wanna go home so I can die." I say. "I don't wanna die in here." "If you try to leave, you won't make it ten paces away from this room before they drag your ass back in. You're being transferred to Manhattan Psychiatric Center as soon as you're physically well enough to go." Yoongi says still holding his composure. "I'm not going." I reply blankly. "You don't have a _choice_ , Tae." He replies. "Why don't I?" I ask. "You're suicidal. Why would you?" Yoongi shoots back. He's the only one who isn't trying not to step on my toes. "Yoongi, please." Hobi whispers. "What's the point in trying to coddle him, Hobi? He tried to take his own life so I don't think he can hit rock bottom any more than he already has." Yoongi says shortly then looks at me, "You know that I love you, Tae. You  _know_ that we all do and you know that there isn't a damn thing we wouldn't do to protect you so here we are doing the best that we can. I'm sorry your mother died and I'm sorry that your father is acting like this but you need to grow up and  _live_. Your mother would be fucking furious if she knew what you tried to do. Hell, she's probably the one who sent your ass back so you're  _going_ to MPC. You don't have to like it but I don't give a shit because I doubt Namjoon liked walking into the bathroom and finding you half-dead and I know that  _none_ of us liked sitting here watching you fade in and out for the last five hours." I look down at my blanket worldlessly. Nobody says anything so I stare at the IV in my left arm and clear my throat. Jin strokes my hair again. "Are you done being a jerk now?" Yoongi asks. I nod. "Now move over. I've had a long day." Yoongi says as he stands up and comes over to my bed. I move over and he lays beside me then pats my forehead. The others bring their chairs closer to my bed now that they know that I won't freak out. Jin takes my hand in his and presses my hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry, hyung." I say as I watch him blink away more tears, "I love you." "I love you too." He whispers. "Gay." Jungkook chuckles quietly. "We're not gonna talk about what's gay, Kookie." I say as I look at him and then Jimin. Jimin looks at me with a small smile then glances down at his hands. "Are you hungry?" Jin asks. "A little bit." I reply. Jin presses the call button and a soft voice pours in from a speaker somwhere overhead, "Hi, is everything okay?" "Yes, everything's fine. Tae is awake now and he's hungry, is he allowed to eat?" Jin asks. "I'm coming to your room, one second." She says. I begin counting the seconds, "One, two, three, four, five, six seven." Namjoon sighs and sits back on his seat. "Eight, nine, te-" She knocks then opens the door. She's very short, middle aged, and her blue eyes are very tired but she's cheerful, "Hi, Taehyung. I'm Diane and I'm your nurse, okay?" I nod slowly. I'm not really interested in saying anything to her. I'm not sure why. I assume that it's because I'm still embarrassed about my failed suicide attempt and try not to give her my attitude. "Are you okay?" She asks. "Yes." I say quietly. "I know you're hungry but you can't eat too much because we had to pump you're tummy." She explains. "Miss Diane, I know I'm probably considered mentally and emotionally unstable but I'm not stupid and I'm not a baby so could you please stop talking to me like that?" I say as politely as I can. She nods once, "I'm sorry, you just look so young." She replies. "I'm twenty." Is all I say. "The best I can give you is a little bit of soup." She replies. "What kind of soup is it?" I ask. "Lentil soup." She says. "I'll take it." I reply. She pulls a pen and a notepad out of her pocket and scribbles something down, "I'll send this to the kitchen and someone should have it here in about ten minutes. Just ring the bell again if you need me." Miss Diane says and excuses herself from the room. "Rude ass." Namjoon admonishes. I shrug and lay back with a huff. I can't understand why my attitude is so bad so I decide to stay quiet before Yoongi gives me another tongue lashing. "The psychologist is coming  to talk you the day after tomorrow so you need to make sure that you speak with him as honestly as possible because that will determine how long you'll stay at MPC for treatment." Hobi says. "That's gonna put me there for a  _long_ time, Hobi." I say. "He said suicide attemptees get no less than a year so you'll be there for a while anyway. Please don't make it longer." Jimin says. I sit up quickly, nearly knocking Yoongi off of the bed. "There's no use in having a fit about this, Tae. All you'd be doing is showing them that you' need more time." Namjoon says. I clench my fists and slam myself back down on the mattress, "Unbelievable." I grunt.

 

 

"Taehyung, why did you try to kill yourself?" Doctor Collin Murphy asks me. "I can't do this." I sigh, "Please don't do this. I don't wanna talk about why I tried to kill myself. It's obvious. Please let me go back to my room. I'm tired." "Taehyung, you don't have to speak to me yet but that won't stop us from moving you to MPC and it won't lessen your time there. We _have_ to make sure that you're safe." He says. "I tried to kill myself, not other people. I am safe. I'm not a threat to anyone." I reply. "You  _are_ a threat. You're a threat to yourself. You have to understand that your mental health and safety are both very important." He explains gently. I nod and stand up, "I'm not ready to talk yet, can I leave?" I mumble. "You can. An escort should be waiting in your room to bring you to the center." I head for the solid wooden door. "Taehyung, you wouldn't kill your brother, right?" He pipes up. "Of course not." I reply, "Why?" "Think about all the ways you could kill your brother and then think of all the reasons why you wouldn't. Put them on a list, I want to see it the next time we meet." Doctor Murphy says. I stare at him for a moment and search his face for an explanation but he's only staring calmly at me. Maybe  _he_ needs to see a shrink. I hurry out of the room and a nurse escorts me back to my room. Jin stands with a tall, older man with a bald head. He's handsome so I probably look at him longer than I should. He looks very strong but gentle. His deep brown skin is rich and I watch him shrug on his gray parka coat. Jin follows suit and slips into his pink double-breasted military coat. "I'm Dean, you can consider me your shadow from now on. It's my job to keep an eye on you, stop you from doing anything harmful to yourself, and keep Doctor Murphy up to date with your behavior. I know you don't wanna do this and I hate that I have to do this but we have to get you back on track. You're gonna be just fine." Mr. Dean has a warm voice and I feel safer knowing he'll be keeping an eye on me. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Dean." I say as I put on my black hoodie and then my green denim jacket. "Tae, it's really cold outside. Put your coat on." Jin says. I open my mouth to object but decide to switch into the red parka Jungkook gave me for my last birthday. Mr. Dean smiles as Jin grabs a backpack full of my things and we leave together. On the way to MPC, Mr. Dean tells me about the other two patients he's assigned to, a guy named Kyungsoo and a girl named Amber and how he usually handles four patient but the unit is actually not very full at the moment. I cringe at the thought of what kind of people I'll have to live with but I try to show no expression in an attempt to keep Jin from worrying about me. I know he feels bad enough and I want to cry and beg him to let me just come home but I know that he's already having a hard time so it would only be selfish and cruel to make him feel lower. 

 

The ride is shorter than I expect and we come to a stop in front of the building. It's tall and despite its attempts at having a modern look, there's still something intimidating about it. "See, Tae? It doesn't look so bad here." Jin says as cheerfully as he can but his voice cracks a bit when he looks at me and his eyes are holding back a floodgate of tears. "Hyung, please don't be sad." I say and hold his hand. He nods and a tear falls. I wipe it from his cheek and smile at him as best I can. He smiles back but it's almost a grimace and he smoothes out my hair. He reminds me of mom the way he's always worrying about me and the way he fixes my hair when things go wrong like doing that will fix everything. Mr. Dean parks the car and we get out. Mr. Dean takes my bag from Jin, "I'll take this. You're carrying enough right now." He says patiently. "Thank you." Jin whispers and grabs hold of my hand for dear life. With each step we take towards the building, I feel more air being pushed out of my lungs. We step inside and the lobby is large and spacious. Black and gold loveseats are situated here and there. Some occupied by visiting families, some empty and others with people I assume are patients. The walls are a gross beige and brown color and I know Jungkook would say something about how the walls resemble shit if he were here. I avoid looking at Jin when I feel his hand tighten around mine. I know that his mind is racing because mine is too. "Follow me, kids." Mr. Dean says and we follow him down a corridor. We stop at an admittance room and go inside. It's fairly quiet and a short Middle Eastern woman with a yellow hijab smiles at me. She's really pretty and her smile reaches her eyes in the most endearing way. "Hi, Taehyung. I'm Azizah. All things considered, how are you feeling?" She says knowingly. "I'm feeling alright." I lie. I can tell that she knows that I'm not telling the truth but she smiles at me then at Jin, "You must be Jin. Do you need a tissue?" Jin nods slowly and she passes him a box of tissues from her desk. Jin takes one and wipes his eyes as we sit down on the chairs in front of her desk and Mr. Dean takes a seat on a chair against a wall. "Is it okay if I call you Tae?" Ms, Azizah asks. I nod and she writes something down on a sheet of paper. I watch as she types some things in on her computer from a folder I assume is mine. "How often can I visit him?" Jin suddenly asks. "As much as you want and you can take him out too. Our goal here is to treat our patients without making them feel like they're prisoners. The curfew is 7 in the evening." Ms. Azizah explains and hands Jin a paper. I glance down and it's a handwritten overview of the facility guidelines. Ms. Azizah dots her I's with hearts and I catch myself smiling before I even realize. She's sweet. "I know I'm only the admittance manager but I want you both to know that I'm here if you need  _anything,_ okay?" "Thank you." Jin says. I just nod. She only takes a few minutes to register me and when she's finished she looks back at us, "All finished. You're in the Watch Unit on the tenth floor, room 10 B."  _The Watch Unit._ I bite my lip and nod again. I wonder how many more pills I might've needed to have actually died. "Thank you, Ms. Azizah." I say quietly, feeling grateful for her general warmth. She reaches across her desk, "Give me your hands." She says as she places her own hands palm sides up on her desk. I put my hands in hers and she holds them, "Promise me you'll let us help you." She says. "I promise." I whisper and I find myself trembling because I know that the only way I'll be able to go home is if I get better but I still wish Namjoon didn't find me. I feel bad for Jin but only because I lived to see the damage of my actions. I would've been none the wiser if I hadn't messed up.

 

Ms. Azizah sends us on our way and Jin hugs me so tightly that I feel crushed. "I have to get to work, I'll be back later. The others should be stopping in soon. Please don't give Mr. Dean a hard time, Tae. I know you don't wanna be here but he's really nice and I know that he'll be a great help. Let him help you." Jin says and smoothes my hair down for probably the billionth time today. "Okay, Hyung. Don't forget to eat." I say and hug him back. "You too." He pulls away but his hands still grip my arms. "I can give you a ride back into Manhattan if you want." Mr. Dean says and pats Jin's shoulder. "Yes... thank you, Mr. Dean." Jin says and puts his coat back on. I take my backpack from him and sling it over my shoulder. He hugs me once more and I watch him and Mr. Dean walk out. When they're both out of sight I stand there for a moment feeling an array of things. Guilt, fear, anxiousness, sadness, and above all; I feel  _so_ lonely. I wander over to the elevators and press the call button. The elevator immediately opens and I step inside. I press the button for the tenth floor and watch the doors close. Each floor emits a soft 'ding' and the elevator stops on the sixth floor. A young man with Buddy Holly glasses steps in. He looks young enough to be a teenager but there's a darkness behind his brown eyes that tell me he's an adult. He's small-framed and stands a few inches shorter than me. His black hair is just past his ears and side-parted. He's handsome but scary. I cut my eye at him and he's looking right at me so I look away. He didn't press a floor button so I assume he's getting off on the tenth floor too. "It's not so bad here." He suddenly says and I jump a little. He laughs, "Don't worry they don't let the life-threatening patients roam around." The elevator door opens and I step out. He follows suit, "What room are you looking for?" He asks. "T- ten B." I reply. "Come on." He says and turns left down the hallway. The walls are white and lavender and it looks more like a hospital than a mental ward. Most of the doors are closed. There are nurses going about here and there, a few patients pass us and I stare at the back of the young man's head so I don't have to look at them. I feel awkward. "You look way too young to be on this floor, are you sure you're not supposed to be in the Pediatrics Unit?" He pipes up. "I'm twenty." I reply. He stops and turns around to look at me, " _You_ _'re_ twenty?" He asks in disbelief. I nod. "Cute." He chuckles. I nervously push my hair back. "Doing that didn't make you look any older." He laughs. He doesn't look as mean when he smiles. He's actually _really_  handsome and I study his face before letting my eyes fall to his lips. "What's your name?" He asks. "Tae." I reply. He holds his hand out, "I'm Kyungsoo." He replies. His hand is kind of cold when I shake it. "Mr. Dean mentioned you on the way here." I say. "Mr. Dean? You call him  _Mr. Dean?_ _"_ He chortles as we start down the hall again. I nod. "What's with all the nodding? Use your big boy words, Tae. You  _are_  in the young adults unit." He laughs. "Sorry." I whisper. "Ten B." He says and we both come to a stop. "Thank you." I say and open my door. My room has a twin sized bed with surprisingly crisp white sheets and a navy blue comforter, the walls are white and my window has a metal bars over them. "So you don't jump." I hear Kyungsoo say from behind me. I turn around and he's standing in the doorway. He's wearing gray Nike sweatpants and a black t-shirt that looks a little too nice on him. "May I?" He asks pointing to the small, black reclining chair. I shrug and he sways over to the seat before sitting down. "Am I allowed to close my door?" I ask. "Yeah but there's no lock on it." He replies. I sit down on my bed and open my backpack, I take out two pairs of black sweatpants, a small travel case containing my toothbrush and my favorite toothpaste, a white t-shirt that smells like Jungkook, some underwear and socks, Jin's gray sweater and a yellow spiral notebook. I open it to the first page and it's filled with notes from my brother and my friends:

 

_Hey, kid. I want you to write down your feelings in here, okay? Just do it. I know you haven't exactly been open about how you've been feeling for the last few months but I need you to try to acknowledge that things aren't okay at the moment- even if you only acknowledge it in your own thoughts. I'll visit as much as I can and I promise to bring you stuff when I come. I want you to feel comfortable there. I love you. - KNJ_

_____

 

_If the food tastes like ass just let me know... I'll bring you things to eat. I promise to visit a lot. I'd miss you too much if I didn't. I love you, Tae. -PJM_

______

_Hi, Tae. I put one of my shirts in the bag Jin hyung packed for you. I really want you to get better. I'm sorry I never knew how bad things really were for you. You do know that I love you, right? -JJK_

______

 

_Tae!! I hope you're comfortable where you are. I know it isn't as comfortable as your own home or my wonderful, loving arms but I hope that you make the most of it and meet cute boys and girls. You're not dirty, Tae. You're the most amazing person I know. I can't wait to see you soon. I love you as much as Namjoon loves hearing the sound of his own voice. -JHS_

______

 

_Dongseang, I don't regret what I told dad the last time we saw him and I don't regret choosing you over him. You've always been the biggest priority in my life. You've always been such a sun in my universe and I should've done more for you when I noticed how quiet you had become. I wish I could make this all go away but I can't so I'll just have to be there for you as much as I can. You're a good kid, Tae, and you deserve all the happiness that the world has to offer. I hope that one day I can see the bright, playful boy that you once were. I also hope you know how much I love you. -Your hyung, KSJ_

______

 

_Hi, jerk. I hope you're behaving yourself. I already miss having a reason to tell you to stop bothering me. I hope you behave yourself and work really hard to get better. It isn't impossible, you know. You'll be out in no time and I'll be back to telling you to shut the fuck up in no time. I may not say it a lot but you mean so much to me and I'm glad you're in my life. Our blood may be different but you are my brother. My Tupac shirt is at the bottom of your backpack. Lose it and I'll kick your ass. We'll bring you more things to wear. Love you. -MYG_

______

 

"Love notes?" Kyungsoo asks curiously. I shake my head, "Just notes from my brother and my friends." I reply and look down into my backpack. I see Yoongi's shirt and smile. I've liked him for so long but he only sees me as his little brother. It was hard at first but I learned to deal with it. At least he didn't hate me for it. I pull the shirt out and press it to my nose. It smells like him. I stand up and put the clothes in the dark wooden dresser in the corner of my room. "You're cute like a sad, scared little kid." Kyungsoo suddenly says. I look over at him and he's still sitting comfortably in the recliner, "What's your story?" He asks. "I tried to kill myself." I say blankly. The words taste sour and sound strange coming out of my mouth, "You?" "Last year, I tried to kill my step-father." He says casually. I take a step back. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. "He was cheating on my mom and gave her AIDS... she ended up dying. I apparently went into a frenzy at her funeral and stabbed him with a pen. I don't remember it happening, though. My boyfriend, Jongin, said it was really bad. I keep trying to remember but I just can't. It's probably best that I never remember." He says and pulls the recliner handle and watches the leg rest rise, taking his legs up with it, "I used to be in the criminally violent unit but then I calmed down and made progress but now I'm here because I tried to cut my wrists with a fork." I don't really know what to say so I just stare at him. He pushes his glasses up on his face and looks me up and down. I dry swallow and look away from him. I sit my notebook on the small desk near the window and hang my coat along with my hoodie and jacket in the closet that looks more like a cubby. I look down at my white Addidas sneakers, then at my red sweatpants, then at my black, baggy sweater, then finally I look over at Kyungsoo; he's cleaning the lenses of his glasses with his shirt. "Why'd you try to kill yourself?" He asks not looking at me. "My mom died and my father didn't tell me. He said I killed her." I reply as I sit down on my bed. "Why the hell would he say a thing like that?" He asks as he checks his lenses for more smudges. He seems satisfied and puts them back on his face. "I-I'm... I'm bisexual." I stammer. "Well shit. Don't sound so ashamed, Tae." He says kindly. I nod. "You didn't kill her." He says. I nod again. I  _feel_ like I did. "I'm back." I hear Mr. Dean say as he steps into the room. "Hi, Dean." Kyungsoo says with a coy smirk. "Oh, God. Hi, Kyungsoo." Mr. Dean sighs, "I hope you weren't bothering my new friend." "Of course not. I almost scared him off though."Kyungsoo chuckles. "Kyungsoo's harmless so don't you worry about him. He's a good person to have as a friend. You'll warm up to him." Mr. Dean says. "So did you bring me anything?" Kyungsoo asks. "No, I didn't." Mr. Dean replies. Kyungsoo scrunches up his nose. "I remember when my presence was enough for you now you're so needy. I'm not made of money, kid. Ask that boyfriend of yours to bring you goodies." Mr. Dean says with a smile. Kyungsoo laughs and shakes his head. "You missed lunch so I brought you this. Your brother told me what you like." Mr. Dean says and hands me a Burger King bag. "Rude." Kyungsoo grunts. "I can live with that. Tae, I'm right down the hall if you need me. I'm here until seven. Kyungsoo can show you my office." Mr. Dean says and heads for the door. "Mr. Dean, wait." I say quickly. "Yeah?" He says and turns around. "Thank you." I say. He smiles, "You're very welcome, Tae." He says and leaves. I open the bag and see a Whopper and fries. I pull a fry from the bag and eat it before closing the bag and tossing it to Kyungsoo, "I'm not hungry." I say. Kyungsoo smiles and opens the bag. I watch him eat one fry at a time, "Dean is really nice. I remember when I first got here, I was kind of all over the place. Sort of like a scared, wild animal. I was frustrated because I didn't really understand why I had to be here. Everyone was telling me why but it was hard to believe what I couldn't remember. I came here in handcuffs and I lashed out at everyone who came too close. Dean carried me into my room, sat me on my bed and said," Kyungsoo cleared his throat and proceeded in his best Dean voice, "'Young man, I will not hesitate to kick your little ass if you don't calm down.' He scared the shit out of me so I stopped. He was the only one who wasn't afraid of me." "Does anyone come to visit you?" I ask. He eats another fry, "Yeah, my boyfriend, Jongin and my step-brother Chanyeol. They're the only two who didn't decide that I was a monster and leave me in here to rot on my own. Chanyeol's the bravest though... the first time he came to see me, I tried to strangle him... I don't remember that either. He looks just like his father so it's still hard to look him in his face." I listen to him closely. He doesn't stop talking for a while but his voice is rich and deep so I don't mind. Maybe we will be friends.


	3. 2

"How was your first night, punk?" Yoongi asks me. I close my eyes as I listen to his voice come in through the phone receiver. He sounds tired but playfull. "Okay I guess. I met a guy named Kyungsoo. He's really nice so far." I reply trying to sound more relaxed than I feel. "Do you think he's cute?" He asks casually. "He's really cute, hyung." I sigh and lay back on my bed, "But he has a boyfriend. It's okay though... I didn't come here with plans to make friends." "So the food you gave me yesterday meant nothing?" I hear Kyungsoo say, he's standing in my doorway in the same Nike sweatpants as yesterday and a black hoodie. I blink at him awkwardly then turn my attention to the ceiling, "I have to go, I'll stop by later." Yoongi says. "Okay." I whisper. "Bye, Tae." He says. "Bye, hyung." I reply and hang up. I press my hands over my eyes so that Kyungsoo can't see that I'm about to cry again. "I'll give you a minute." He says and I hear him close the door. I clutch my pillow and let the tears fall. The entire situation feels too real and it's weighing down on my chest tremendously. Yoongi is so good at treating me like everything is still normal but his voice carries a hint of attentiveness that was never there before. A knock on the door startles me and I quickly dry my eyes and sit up, "Come in." I say as normally as I can. The door opens and Mr. Dean is there with a concerned expression, "Kyungsoo told me you were upset." He says. "I wanna go home." I choke out and the tears start coming again. He sits beside me without a word but his presence is gentle and safe. Before I can stop myself, I'm resting my head against his shoulder and shaking as the sobs rip through my body. "I know you do but you can't just yet. Don't you wanna go home feelin' better?" He asks and puts his arm around me. He's as warm as his energy and I hug him in search of something strong to feel, "I do but I'm scared." I wheeze. "What are you afraid of, Tae?" Mr. Will sounds patient. "I'm afraid that I- I won't get better a-a-and that I'll never leave. I'm scared that my family will stop visiting me and I'll be alone." I whimper. "None of that will happen. You will get to go home." He assures me. I can't help but feel so pathetic and I try my best to catch my breath. I let him go and wipe my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater, "I'm sorry." I say as I notice his jacket is wet with my tears. "Tears dry. They dry from clothes and they dry from eyes, okay?" He says. I nod and sniffle. "I'm gonna have someone bring you some breakfast. Clean yourself up." Mr. Dean says and I wonder if he's capable of being as gruff as Kyungsoo told me he was when they first met. I want to know more about him but I don't ask. He stands up, "Sometimes a hug is the best thing you can give a person. It can be better than any words of advice. If all you need from me is a hug, just ask." I nod again and look down at the floor, "Thank you." I say. He leaves and closes the door behind him. I stand up and begin getting ready for the day. After showering, I put on black sweatpants, Yoongi's Tupac shirt, and Namjoon's gray cardigan. It's nice that everyone gave me something of theirs to keep. It doesn't make anything that much better but it does make everythig a little more tolerable. I put on my sneakers and step outside the room. Kyungsoo is sitting on a recliner in his room, reading a Hangul copy of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. "Are you okay now, traitor?" He asks not looking away from his book. I nod. "I actually heard you nod. You're so cute. Come sit down." He chortles. I step into his room and there's a girl lounging on his bed. She's wearing white sweatpants and a Camp Lazlo shirt. "Hi." I say and look down at my feet. "I'm Amber. You're Tae, right?" She inquires. I nod. "You need to speak up, Tae. Nobody here is gonna eat you." Kyungsoo says sounding a bit distracted with his book. "Sorry... It's nice to meet you, Amber." I say and slip my hands into my pockets. She smiles at me, "Come on, sit down." She says and pats the bed. I hesitate for a minute then carefully move over to bed and sit down. "I'm not gonna ask you why you're here because it's obvious but I do wanna know what pushed you there." Amber's voice is casual and friendly. Nothing about her says that she belongs here- save for the deep scars on her wrists. "My father..." I trail off. I hate that I have to keep bringing everything up. It doesn't get better as often as I mention it. I just feel sicker each time. More empty. "You don't have to talk about it. I understand." She says reassuringly. "My father disowned me because I'm bisexual." I mutter, "Then my mother died of cancer and he blamed me. He said if I wasn't such a girl, she would've lived... He said I killed her." "Oh, God." She sighs, "That wasn't your fault." "Why'd you do it?" I ask. "I was raped. My college professor did it. He kept trying to make a pass at me and I rejected him so he got mad and started lowering my grades. He raped me in the school parking lot one night after I came out of the library." She pauses for a moment, "I went to the police... His defence was that I was upset that I was failing and he wouldn't accept my sexual favours for better grades. Court battles went on for a year and a half and I lost the case." "That wasn't fair." I whisper. She nods in agreement then continues, "I couldn't take it and I tried to slit my wrists. My neighbor found me." I sigh. "We're all fucked up." She says. "Yeah." I agree. She looks sad for a moment then she inhales deeply and her smile returns as if it never left. Kyungsoo closes his book, "Do you feel any regret?" He asks. "What do you mean?" I question as I watch his inquisitive face. "After trying to kill yourself, you regret one of two things... you either regret ever trying to end your own life or... you regret the failure." He explains, "Which regret do you feel?" I think about it for a moment before I reply, "I'm not sure yet." I whisper. "Fair answer." He says with a shrug, "If it helps, I'm glad you failed. You're a nice guy." I smile and look down at the floor. "Taehyung, would you like to eat in here?" A tall blond nurse says as she holds a tray in her hands, "Yes, please." I reply and sets the tray down on Kyungsoo's bedside table. "Thank you." I say and she smiles at me then leaves. "If you keep up that lost puppy face you'll have all the women here giving you whatever you want." Kyungsoo laughs. I shrug and open the lid. Three waffles, two strips of bacon, and a small pile of eggs. I grimace. It doesn't even look good. There's a small container of sliced peaches beside the plate and a little container of syrup. There are a few salt and pepper packets scattered across the tray and the silverware is neatly wrapped in a napkin with a sticky note on it with, bold, red writing: **TAE, EAT SOMETHING. - Mr. Dean**. There's a smiley face at the bottom of the note. I pull it off of the napkin and smile a little before folding it up and sticking it in my pocket. "You like Dean." Kyungsoo says as he closes his book. My eyes dart over to him and he's smirking at me. "Why wouldn't I like Mr. Dean? He's a nice man." I counter as I reach for a strip of bacon and bite into it. It's not as bad as it looks, thank God. "No, no, no. You like him." Kyungsoo says matter of factly. "K-Soo, mind your business." Amber sighs. "Tae?" Kyungsoo says as if Amber hadn't said a word. I shrug. "I like him too... He's married though and he keeps saying I'm like a son to him. It's annoying." Kyungsoo says with a hint of annoyance. "You have a boyfriend." Amber lectures. Kyungsoo sits his book down and pushes his glasses up on his face, "Yes and I love him very much but-" "There is no 'but' in love." She inserts. "Actually, there is if you add an extra T." Kyungsoo counters. I nearly choke on my bacon. "Jesus, Soo." Amber groans. Kyungsoo smiles a very satisfied smile and clasps his hands together. I stab at a peach and avoid Kyungsoo's eyes. He chuckles quietly and resumes reading his book.

 

Hobi hugs me so tightly that I feel breathless but I love it, "I missed you." I whisper against his collarbone. "I was here just this morning." He chuckles. I find a comfort in his laugh that I've never experienced before and I feel at home. "I know." I reply. "Can I pull away now?" He teases. I laugh but it comes out more like a sob and I pull away then give him a weak smile. He flicks my ears with his fingers and smiles but his eyes look sad, "Stop making me feel bad. I'm tempted to live under your bed so I never have to leave you." "That would be great. I'd feed you graham crackers." I chuckle. He sits on my bed and glances out the window. "Jin's birthday is in two weeks." I sigh. "Oh!" Hobi says and grabs his bag. I watch him rummage through it and pull out a Rose Gold iPhone box, "He cracked his phone and keeps putting off replacing it so I got this. Do you wanna wrap it?" "Thank you, Hobi." I say and hug him again, "I'm gonna pay you back for this." He pats my back, "I don't want you to." Hobi objects and turns to pull a small roll of pink and blue wrapping paper and scotch tape out of his bag. "Let's wrap this up and I'll bring it home." He kneels down on the floor with an excited sigh and I settle down beside him. "Is the medicine working well?" He asks. "Yeah but apparently suicidal people who take antidepressants are more likely to find the motivation to try to kill themselves... or something like that. I don't remember but they won't stop checking in on me. It's annoying." I complain and center the box in on the unrolled wrapping paper. "I know you feel smothered but how do you _feel_?" Hobi asks as he cuts the paper. "I always have headaches and I can never sleep well so I'm always so tired." I say. We finish wrapping the box and Hobi carefully puts everything back in his box. There's knock on my door. "Come in." I call out as Hobi and I rise to our feet. Kyungsoo and tall young man appear as the door opens. He's friendly looking and dreamy eyed- so handsome that he could almost be a fantasy. His deep brown hair is pushed back and his button-down white shirt, black jeans, and black boots are casual but he still looks like he's ready to walk a runway. "Hoseok?" He says and his voice is as beautiful as he is. "Jongin, It's been so long!" Hobi exclaims and goes over to hug Jongin. "Tae, this is Jongin. We went to school together. He was the best dancer in my class." Hobi says enthusiastically. Jongin blushes, "I think you were always better." He says bashfully. "I'm not professionally trained in ballet and Hip Hop." Hobi objects and Jongin lowers his head in an attempt to hide his red face. He's cute. Really cute. Jongin holds his hand out for me. I hesitate and shake it, "It's really nice to meet you, Tae. Hobi was always talking about you." Jongin says and I smile awkwardly. "Stop gushing over my boyfriend, Tae." Kyungsoo says with a playful smile. I tear my eyes away from Jongin and jam my hands into the pockets of my (Namjoon's) cardigan, "Sorry." I mumble. Jongin and Hobi chuckle, Kyungsoo just smiles. "It's okay." He says and smiles even brighter, "I know he's cute." Whatever being in love looks like, Jongin and Kyungsoo have that look. As we all talk, Jongin never lets Kyungsoo's hand go. Every once in a while, Kyungsoo looks down at Jongin's hand and a slight smile spreads across his plush lips. It's a very fond smile but it's traced with sadness and I wonder what he's thinking. Some time later, Hobi leaves to go to head home and Kyungsoo is called into Mr. Dean's office for some sort of discussion about lowering his antidepressant dosage. Jongin and I are left alone in my room. I don't know what to say to him and my silence is painfully awkward. He leads the conversation, "So, Tae... how are things going?" He asks. "Alright, all things considered. I've only been here for a week. I hate it here." I say quietly. Jongin gives me an understanding nod, "I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes but I do know what it feels like to nearly lose someone so valuable. Kyungsoo told me about you and he told me about your brother and your friends... I know that it's hard for them but it's harder for you. When I found out that Kyungsoo tried to-" Jongin stops for a few seconds and looks down at the floor, "I couldn't understand why he would do something like that. He seemed okay but he obviously wasn't. I felt so guilty because that day I told him I wouldn't be able to visit because I had homework to catch up on and I needed to focus." I watch as he inhales and quiets down. "That must've been hard for you." I say wondering what went through Namjoon's mind when he found me. Jongin nods, "I wanna marry him when he gets out of here." He says and smiles but only a little. "Can I come to the wedding?" I ask with a hint of excitement. He grins, "Of course." I smile, "Kyungsoo's been nice. We're still getting to know each other but I feel very comfortable with the idea of being his friend." I say. Jongin nods and looks at me, "Soo has a way about him... He has a good heart." Jongin speaks with touches of adoration that lace his words and make his gentle voice sound even sweeter. It makes me long to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. "Hey, Jongin. Hey, Tae. Where's K-Soo?" Amber says she strides into the room and sits beside me on my bed. "He's with Dean." Jongin replies, "What's up?" "Nothing really. Everyday's the same in here." She replies. I nod in agreement, "It's not even fun and comical like it is in movies." I say with mock disappointment. Amber and Jongin laugh. I smile and it feels genuine. I know it's the medicine but I enjoy it- it's better than everything else I've been feeling lately. "You going to the support group meeting later, Tae?" Amber asks. I nod and push my hair out of my eyes, "I don't really want to." I say. "Nobody does but it's a necessary evil." Amber says and pats my back. "What's it like in the support group?" Jongin asks. "Boring, depressing, slow. Everyone just talks abut their feelings and their progress." I explain, "The mediator tries not to be a condescending bitch but she just can't help herself." "And she never shuts up about her kids." Amber chimes in. "'James and Olivia are such good kids. They went to Harvard, you know. I know that some of you had dreams of going to Harvard and got in and couldn't take the pressure but it isn't your fault. Bear in mind that Harvard isn't for everyone.' She almost blew up when I told her that Harvard is always hell for people who actually work hard." I say and I find myself rolling my eyes. "Seriously, J, she's awful." Amber says. "I've never gotten details before. Soo always says she's a bitch and leaves it at that." Jongin says as he sits up in the recliner and leans forward as if coaxing us for more. "Don't tell K-Soo I told you this but he's catfishing her." "He's what?" Jongin and I ask in stereo and suddenly I'm piqued. "He doesn't even have a phone, how the hell- Amber, you're letting him? What if she finds out?" Jongin rambles on. "He uses Dean's computer. Dean gives us an hour or so on the extra laptop he has in his office if we're good in private and group therapy. It's mostly incentive for K-Soo since he's... K-Soo. He found out so much shit on her." Amber's grinning wildly and I find that I am too. "I shouldn't be encouraging this but start talking." Jongin presses. "You two had better not ever mention this, got it?" She says as she shoots both of threatening glares. "I'll take it to my grave." Jongin says. "You have my word." I quickly say. "Her son failed nearly every class and she paid off his teachers. Her daughter got knocked up four times by the beginning of the third semester. She came home and found her husband dressed up in her clothes while getting freaky with the neighbor's husband but he swears he's not gay. She says she's only staying with him because he makes more money and she wants to be well off enough to not worry about money after she retires." Jongin's jaw hangs open and I stare at Amber in befuddlement. She just purses her lips and nods. "What if she finds out?" Jongin whispers. "She won't. She's a lonely, desperate, middle-aged woman with a superiority complex... K-Soo isn't dumb enough to get caught." Amber's confidence in Kyungsoo is actually comforting and Jongin relaxes.

 

Amber, Kyungsoo, and I are lazing about in my room quietly when Jin bustles in with a bright smile, "Hello, Mochi! Hi, guys!" Amber and Kyungsoo greet him warmly. Jin comes over to sit beside me on my bed. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. He's warm and smells like home. The same smell I would inhale deeply as I hid beneath his covers to scare him when he'd come from work. The same smell I would catch from the scent on the yellow blazer that his ex-girlfriend gave to him that he, in turn, gave to me after he broke up with her. I've never had an actual name for the scent but I've always known it. It's just _Jin_ and it's my favorite scent. "Thank you for trying so hard. I'm proud of you and I'm happy that I get to celebrate your birthday." Jin says and hugs me tightly. My chest gets tight and I feel myself swallowing to hold back my tears. I succeed this time and smile instead. "Did you bring booze?" I ask with a grin. "It's not good to mix alcohol with your medication and even if it was okay, I would _never_." Jin says and shakes his head. "It was worth a try." I say and shrug. "Are you ready to go?" He asks me. I nod, "Are you guys sure you don't wanna come too?" I ask. "Yes, we're sure. Go spend some time with your family. We'll celebrate with you later." Amber says from a corner on the floor near my window. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and she looks tired but her smile doesn't falter. Kyungsoo is laying behind me and Jin with one arm behind his head and the other casually poking me in my spine. He's bored. "It's not really fun here, is it?" Jin sighs and glances out the window. "We had a few gaming systems until people started trying to hang themselves with the cords." Kyungsoo says. "Oh." Jin whispers. "Ms. Azizah stopped by to wish me a happy birthday and she brought me a cupcake." I say to break the silence. "Yeah, I know. She-" Jin stops and stares across the room with a deer-in-headlights expression and Kyungsoo sits up. "What was that?" Amber asks with a playful smirk. Jin shrugs. "Hyung, are you two seeing each other?" I ask as I smile at him harder than I have in a long time. "Yah, such a beautiful kid." He says and pats my cheeks softly. "Hyung, tell me... please." I nearly beg. "We aren't seeing each other but we talk sometimes." Jin's cheeks are kissed with a soft red and feel my chest almost flutter. "I really like Ms. Azizah." I say approvingly. Jin smiles. "Don't get so hasty." He chuckles. "You two should get a move on. Curfew will be here before we know it." Kyungsoo says and as he presses his fingers softly into my back in an attempt to get me going. I stand up and retrieve my coat from my closet. "Have fun, gentlemen." Amber says. I smile at her then look at Kyungsoo. He winks at me and my breath catches in my throat so I look away but I hear him chuckle. "We'll be back in a little while. It was nice seeing you two again." Jin says. As we leave, I wave goodbye.

 

"Do you like him?" Jin asks as he switches lanes. We're driving down the FDR and David Bowie's Greatest Hits CD is in the radio; Starman is playing moderately loud. I smile because I haven't heard it in so long. Jin's taking me to The Spotted Pig and everyone is waiting. I know he's talking about Kyungsoo but I decide to play stupid, "Like who?" I ask. "Kyungsoo." Jin says. He sounds a bit distracted as he focuses on the road ahead. "No." I reply and look out the window. "Are you sure?" He presses. "I am... Besides, he's with Jongin so even if I  _did_ like him, I couldn't have him." I say more to myself. " _He_ likes _you_." Jin chuckles. I know I'm blushing so I keep my eyes on a Frank Ocean iTunes billboard up ahead, "You don't know that, Hyung." I sigh. "I can just tell. He has a certain way of looking at you." Jin informs me as he switches lanes again. We pass the Frank Ocean billboard and I search for something else to stare at before settling on a Pepsi billboard up farther. "I won't pressure you about it. We can talk when you're ready... It'll all come out when the time is right." Jin says like he always does when I'm hiding things from him." A silence falls over the car and Young Americans starts. I smile because the Saxophone reminds me of all the times the guys would dance around and Jin would look at me with such pride while I practiced this song on my own Saxophone back in High School. The silence isn't awkward but it's not comfortable either. Jin begins singing along as he watches the road. "I do like him." The words jump out of my mouth as if they fought their way out of my throat before I could even have a say on whether I wanted to swallow them or not. "Oh?" Jin whispers. "I don't really know him all that well, though. I mean it's only been about a month since I met him but he's cute... and so far he's really nice..." I trail off as I keep my eyes trained on the loud green of the highway signs. "But?" Jin presses. "He's taken. That's always the problem. Everyone I feel a real connection to is either taken or doesn't like me back." I complain. "Like Min Yoongi?" Jin asks in an understanding voice. "Yeah.  _Exactly_ like Min Yoongi. The sad thing about him is that I've loved him for  _so_ long and after all this time, I still love him so much." I let it all come out, "He said I wouldn't always feel the way that I do but I haven't gotten over him yet. When he calls me his brother, I feel  _sick_." "I know you used to like Jungkook and look at you now. You don't like him anymore." Jin says cheerfully. "Yeah I guess you're right." I sigh. "Tae, what I'm trying to say is... different people affect you differently. Jungkook isn't the same as Yoongi so you got over him faster. One day you'll look at Min Yoongi and wonder why he ever had such a hold on you. You'll still love him but the love won't hurt you the way it does now." Jin always knows exactly what to say and how to say it. I smile a little. 

 

Jimin hugs me so tightly that I for a moment, I feel dizzy, "You're already looking better." He sighs and I hug him close. Hugs have been different since Namjoon found me. It's like everyone wants to hug the hurt out of me and I just wish they'd never let me go. When Jimin pulls away, we all take our seats. Namjoon sits across from Yoongi, Jimin sits across from Hobi, Jungkook sits at the head of the table, and Jin sits across from me. Joan, a tall waitress with deep, silky brown skin; wraps her arms around my shoulders, "My Tae. How are you, dear?" She asks. Nobody hugs quite like Joan. It's like she leaves  a piece of her soul behind to hold you long after she lets you go. She smells like shea butter, incense, and Earl Grey tea. Joan's been working here for as long as Jin and I have been in New York so she's another piece of home that I long to melt into. Tonight her hair is turquoise. I touch her hands and smile, "I'm good. I missed seeing you, Noona." I sigh and trace the heart tattoo on her wrist, "Your hair was blue the last time I saw you." She laughs, "You remember. I seem to never have any time off but I'm gonna come and see you soon, Okay?" I nod and she gives me a squeeze then lets me go. "Your brother never told me that you weren't doing okay. I thought he was feeding you so well that you couldn't fit out your apartment door." Joan gives Jin a displeased look and strokes his hair softly. "I'm sorry, Joan. You're always there for us and I just treated you badly." Jin says and shakes his head with guilt. "I understand. Don't feel too bad. Things are tough. Namjoon called and told me." Joan explains. " _Namjoon called and told you?"_ Hobi gasps. Namjoon sighs and smiles a little. He obviously likes her too much to object and judging by the way they gaze helplessly at each other, they're in too deep to pretend it's not real. "How long?" Yoongi asks. "A year." They say in unison. "That's very serious... Will there be a wedding and some babies in the future?" Jungkook cackles. "Little boy, shut up." Joan laughs. "Why didn't you tell us?" I ask. "Baby, you're all so nosy and Junglebook is already talking about making babies." Joan giggles. "Really, Noona? I thought you were past that name." Jungkook scoffs. "Nah." Joan teases, "I changed my mind." "Well, it looks to me like you're just as bad at telling your family important things too, Noona." I sigh dramatically. "I'm your family?" Joan gushes. "Of course you are, Noona, We love you." Jimin laughs. "I don't." Jungkook chimes. "I  _will_ spit in your food." Joan says and puts her hand on her hip. "Do it... then I'll know my food will be blessed." Jungkook says as he takes her hand and holds it to his cheek. Joan scoffs and pulls away from him before taking out a pen and pad, "Gimme your orders. Birthday boy goes first."

 

"Amber tried to wait up for you but she was so tired." Kyungsoo says. "It's okay. I'll talk to her tomorrow." I say. "How was your day?" Kyungsoo asks as he makes himself comfortable in my reclining chair. "It was so fun." I sigh with a satisfied smile, "I wish you and Amber had been there." Kyungsoo smiles, "Family time is important. We didn't wanna interfere." He looks tired. "That wouldn't have been the case. We like you two." I laugh. Kyungsoo bites his lip and looks down at his hands. My head spins a little from the few drinks I snuck while the others were in the restroom. I ordered them from the bar and drank them down a little too quickly. I knew they wouldn't let me if they had seen me. "What'd you drink?" Kyungsoo asks. "Pink Moscato, Sex on the Beach, a shot of whiskey, and a Soju." I whisper. I can feel the heat from the drinks reverberating through ever inch of my body as I wipe the sweat from my forehead and slump down on my bed. "You're on medication. Why'd you do that?" He asks with an exasperated expression. "I wanted to feel normal." I muse as I keep my eyes trained on the bathroom door. "Well, do you feel normal now?" Kyungsoo sighs. "Not at all." I reply. "I can't just leave you by yourself now. I should tell one of the nurses... or Dean." Kyungsoo ponders as he shakes his head. "Please don't." I beg quietly. Kyungsoo looks both amused and irritated, "I'll think about not saying anything. Get ready for bed." "I need to change." I whisper sheepishly. He stands up and leaves the room. I quickly kick off my boots then peel off my sweater and jeans. I kick my boots under my desk then fold my clothes over my desk chair. I pull a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt out of the closet and put them on then open the door. Kyungsoo is standing there- he's visibly annoyed. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "So am I." He sighs as he pushes past me and finds his way back to my recliner. "Why are you sorry?" I ask as I notice that he's returned with a book. This time, it's a Hangul copy of a John F. Kennedy biography. "Because  _I'm_ gonna have to stay up all night and make sure you don't fucking choke to death on your own vomit while you're sleeping." He grits, "I don't even know why you would do that. Booze and antidepressants just don't go together, Tae." I chew on my lip awkwardly before speaking, "I didn't think this far ahead, Soo. You don't have to-" "Just go to sleep...  _please._ " He sighs. I climb into bed and slide under the covers. "On your stomach." He says firmly. I roll over and look at him. He's reading his book intently. If he wasn't so upset, this moment would feel so pleasant. "Stop looking at me." He snaps softly and I quickly look away before closing my eyes. Kyungsoo swiftly gets up and drags the recliner closer to my bed then sits back down and continues reading. I steal a quick peek at him every few seconds and he looks pretty engrossed in his book. I reach my hand out and touch his free hand. He pushes my hand away- not once looking away from his book. I'm taken aback a little but I expected him to do that. Suddenly, Kyungsoo places his free hand on my head and his fingernails scratch my scalp gently. I'm soothed and I feel myself falling asleep. "Happy Birthday you pinhead." Is the last thing I hear him say before sleep overtakes me.


	4. 3

 

 

**_Do Kyungsoo_ **

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Tae bites at his thumbnail as he writes down something in his notebook. He's been sitting at his desk hunched over and focused for about an hour now. I keep quiet so I don't disturb his thoughts but I wonder what he's writing so badly that I glance up from my book every few sentences to watch him. "I'm so  _stupid_." He strains and slams his pen down on his desk. "No you're not." I sigh and close my book, "What's wrong?" "The day I left the hospital, Doctor McMurphy told me to make a list of all of the ways I could kill my brother and why I wouldn't but I couldn't bring myself to write down how I could- I wrote down why I wouldn't and why I couldn't and I'm realizing now that If I had killed myself... I would've killed him too." He sounds angry. "You can't hate yourself, Tae. You're here now. You're still here so that means that you're supposed to live and not be bitter towards yourself. You hated yourself enough to try to take your own life and you got a second chance so the only thing you can do now is love yourself enough to rebuild yourself." I say. Tae's head shoots up and he spins in his chair. He's smiling warmly at me. He's _so_ pretty and if I wasn't so in love with Jongin, I'd try to make him mine. There's something so clean about him and it piques my curiosity. It's the kind of innocence that you never actually expect to experience. He's been through the pits of hell and he's still trying to claw his way out but he's still untouched by every impurity that the world seems to drown him in. "You know everything, don't you?" His eyes are piercing through me like they always do and I look out the window, "No... I've just seen a lot of shit." I reply casually. Namjoon's cardigan hangs on him in the cutest way and he scoots closer to me, "Thank you for being so nice to me." He whispers. I can see how his being has changed in the three months that have floated by since he's gotten here. His eyes aren't as tired looking and he smiles more. He doesn't nod like a shy kid anymore and I love that he talks to me more. He's interesting. "It's easy to be nice to nice people, Tae." I laugh. He tilts his head to the side and his smile fades into a grin. "Amber's always so sleepy... I like talking to her but I don't really get to." He sighs. "I know. It's a better now because I have you to talk to. Nobody here seems to like talking very much." I mumble. "It's like they're scared everyone will judge them." He mutters. I stretch and fall back on his bed, "I'm bored. Tell me a joke." I sigh. "What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?" He asks. I know the answer but I don't want to discourage him, "What?" I ask. "A dick-tater." He replies and chuckles. I laugh. Not at the joke but at how amused he is with himself. "Are you still bored?" He asks as he plops down beside me. "I'm always bored. That's why I'm always reading." I tell him as I intently stare at the ceiling when he turns to look at me. "I have a deck cards. We could play a game." He says quietly. "What kind of game?" I ask. "I'll shuffle the deck and then split it and each time one of us draws an odd numbered card, we have to reveal a secret. Nothing too deep if you don't want." He says as if he's keeping an important secret in a room full of people. I laugh and sit up, "I doubt you have a lot of secrets." I muse. He frowns and thinks for a minute. "I don't... I pretty much tell you everything." He mutters. "You're an open book, Tae." I chuckle. His frown turns into a scowl, "I am  _not."_ He scoffs as he pushes his hair out of his face. The locks fall back over his forehead again and I push my fingers through his hair before I can stop myself. He sucks in a breath and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. "I'm sorry." I whisper and inch away from him. "It's okay." He whispers and looks away. I could kiss him right in this moment. I could take his face in my hands and give him first kiss (You think I'm kidding when I say he's pure?). I could taste his pain, his fears, his boredom, his past... his  _innocence._ I don't though. I don't for Jongin's sake, for Tae's sake, and for my own sake. Tae's the kind of pure that falls in love so easily and I know it just by how he's almost begging me to kiss him. "Tae, I can't." I say. He nods and looks down at the space between us. A small smile spreads over his lips and he looks back at me, "I know we can't. Jongin is the one you should be with. I like seeing the two of you together." He says. There he goes again with his purity. I used to think Tae was put in my life to give me someone to look after and make the time in here pass by faster but now I think his sole purpose is to tempt me. I don't like it.

 

 

 

"Dean, are you gonna miss me when I leave?" I ask as I flip through a health and fitness magazine on Dean's desk. He's writing things down in a folder, "What _you_ think?" He asks as, never looking up. "I think you will." I laugh and glance over an article about ways to fight cancer- Tae's mother crosses my mind and I feel pity for him for about the hundredth time today so I turn the page quickly. "Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?" Dean asks with a laugh. "Because I like hearing your voice." I reply genuinely, no flirtation this time. Dean looks up at me as if I've startled him and I laugh, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He asks. I smile and close the magazine, "Nothing... I've just been thinking and I'm gonna miss you." I reply and pull my feet up into the seat. "Feet _down_." Dean says so I laugh and do as he says. "I'll see you around. I'd just better not catch your little ass back in here. You leave, get your shit together, _keep_ your shit together, and stay out of here." He says warmly but sternly. I nod and realize that even though I hate it here, this has been all I've known for the last twelve months and in seven months I'll be gone. It finally sinks in that I'm afraid of starting over on the outside. "Stop being scared. You talk too much shit to be afraid of anything." Dean chuckles. I nod and run my fingers through my hair. "Group therapy is gonna start soon, move your ass." Dean says sounding a bit distracted. I chuckle and stand up, "Yes, sir." I say sarcastically as I leave and shut the door behind me. The hall is empty save for Jennifer, the short, chubby ginger who's been here for nearly a month. She's twenty-two but looks like she's twelve and every time I see her, I want to squeeze her. She's  _too_ cute. "Hi, Jen" I chime as hustle a bit to catch up with her. "Hi, Kyungsoo." She says quietly. She's always so meek but she's warmed up to me already. "How are you feeling?" I ask. "I don't fucking wanna go to group therapy." She grumbles. I laugh too loudly as we enter the day room. Gloria, the mediator of the group, shushes me, "Shut the fuck up, Gloria. Nobody's even here yet." I sigh. "I'm gonna have a talk with Dean about your language." Gloria says firmly. "While you're at it, tell him that I told you to kiss my ass." I grumble and sit down in a chair. She looks at me angrily and I smirk back at her. Jennifer has her head down to hide her laughter. Tae suddenly swans into the room, "Hi, Soo. Hi, Jenny." He's warm and pats mine and Jennifer's heads as he moves to sit beside me. "Hi, Miss Gloria." He never speaks to her like she's important. To Tae, she's just a necessary evil that he has to deal with three times a week. He never loses his temper, he never even gets annoyed with her. He just tells her off with indifference as if she's a dumb child who doesn't know any better. That's why she despises him the most.  He makes her feel small and he's not even trying. Amber slumps into the room and sits beside Tae, "Sorry I'm late." She says. "What's the rush?" I snicker. Gloria clenches her jaw, "We might as well start." She says, "Tae, you're first. How has this past weekend been?" "Fine. It's the same as every weekend really... I just feel a little better than the weekend before." Tae replies. I find myself hanging onto his words. His speech fascinates me. His voice is deep and smooth but his words come out like he's distracted by his own thoughts. Kind of like a kid talking about something that bores him and trying to move on to a more fun topic. More people enter in groups of two and three and Tae finishes with a quiet "Yep." Tae glances at me and then looks down at his hands. He cuts looks over at Jennifer and smiles warmly. We pretty much tell Gloria the same thing we tell her every time we meet. We're seeing progress, we're happy when people visit, we're closer with some of the patients, and all that good shit. Sometimes we're lying, sometimes we're telling the truth. We lie because we all know that part of Gloria feeds off of our lack of progress. I still don't understand why. "Is there anything else you want to tell me before I dismiss you all?" Gloria asks as she flips her graying blonde hair over her shoulder. Nobody answers. "I guess not. Go on then. Remember to keep up the good work." She says and it doesn't even sound real. I stand up and head for the door. "I meant what I said, Kyungsoo." She calls out with a hint of ice in her voice. I turn around and smile at her, "So did I, Gloria." I say casually and Amber pushes me out of the room before I can say anything else, "One of these days she's gonna snap." She whispers and kneads at my shoulders to relieve my annoyance. "That'll be her problem." I sigh. Tae chuckles to himself and holds onto Jennifer's hand so she doesn't fall behind. Tae never surprises me when he does things like this. He's just warm inside and I feel it when he smiles. "My step-brother should be here soon." I say. "Really? That's cool. I like him." Tae says with a grin. "Tae, you like  _everyone_." Jennifer laughs quietly. "I don't like Gloria." Tae shoots back. "Of course you don't like Gloria. I know you're not a Satanist." Amber says as we all crowd into her room. Amber sits on her desk chair, Tae and Jennifer take spots on the bed, and I make myself comfortable in her recliner. Suddenly, I see Chanyeol pass the room as a near blur and I laugh to myself as he doubles back, "Hi guys!" He says cheerfully as he steps inside the room. "Hi, Yeol." I say. "I almost passed you all up." He chuckles and bumps fists with Tae, Amber, and Jennifer. I don't hate Chanyeol anymore. In fact, I've come to see him as the brother I've always wanted. Yes, he's sort of goofy and annoying but he's a good balance that I genuinely need. Besides, if he was stupid enough to keep trying to see me even after I tried to kill his father and then attacked him... he must be someone worthy of loving. The only thing is that I don't think I'm worthy of the love he foolishly has for me. He slides down to the floor and brings his knees up to his chest, "So what's going on?" He asks enthusiastically. "We just finished group therapy." Tae says with a sigh. "Gloria still bein' a bitch?" He asks. "You know it." I laugh. "Oh! I got these out of a gumball machine." Chanyeol says and digs into his jacket pocket. He pulls out little plastic cases and tosses one to each of us. I open mine. It's a jelly Panda Bear in a Bikini striking a sexy pose. I laugh, "You're the best." "I am?" Chanyeol asks like an eager little kid. I nod and he smiles. I reach over and sit the Panda on my desk, "I like it." "Mine is wearing a speedo." Jennifer laughs. Chanyeol smiles at her. He likes her but she's Aromantic so it'll never work. "We all should go see a movie tomorrow." He says as if I have no choice but to agree. "Okay. What are we going to see?" I say casually. He looks at me in surprise, "You're not gonna resist? Why aren't you telling me to fuck off? You're not even pushing them off on me... Did they give you a different medication?" He asks. "Maybe... I'm just trying to be nicer to you." I chuckle.  _"Why,_ though?" He presses. I shrug and he smiles to himself like he's won, "I'll come and get you guys around noon, okay?" I nod and smile at him. "I'll call my brother." Tae says. "I'll call... oh that's  _right,_ I don't  _have_ anyone." Jen complains. "What the hell are we? Piles of shit?" I laugh. "Well,  _you_ said it." Amber cackles. I pluck my plastic container at her but I miss and it plunks against the wall before landing on her desk. "The weather is so bad outside.  _So_ cold." Chanyeol sighs and finally takes his coat off then neatly slings it onto the bed. "Soo." Tae says. I look over at him and hum my response. He shrugs and looks down at his hands, "Are you excited about your birthday?" He asks. "Yeah, I am. Just... don't- please don't get me something if that's what you were thinking of doing." I stumble over my words a bit. Tae's lips are painted with a coy smirk, "But I want to." He says and looks down at the Michael Jackson ' ** _'_** ** _BAD_** ** _'_** sweatshirt I bought him for his birthday, "I mean... it's not like you had to buy me this but you did and I love it." "I know I didn't  _have_ to buy it, I bought it because I  _wanted_ to." I reply and fight the smile I feel coming on. "Then  _I'm_ gonna disregard your request and buy you a gift because I want to." He shoots back with a satisfied smile. I chuckle and shake my head, "Fine." "What do you want?" He asks.  _You_. "Surprise me." I mumble.

 

I hear my door open and I know _exactly_ who it is, "Soo, are you awake?" Tae whispers. The light from the hall shines into my dark room and I roll over to look at him, "I am now." I reply with mock annoyance. "Oh... I'm sorry. I'll go." He says sheepishly. "I was kidding, Tae. What's the matter?" I laugh as I sit up. "I can't sleep and I'm kind of lonely." He mutters. "I'm not really tired either." I sigh. Tae wanders over and sits on the edge of my bed, "The pills... they always make me so tired but they stop me from sleeping. Sounds sort of weird. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up- this not sleeping thing... I feel like I'm running on empty." Tae sounds tired and more defeated than he's willing to admit. "I could punch you out." I laugh. "Please?" Tae chuckles weakly. I can barely see him save for the thin stretch of light that makes the silhouette of his face seem childlike and weary. It's quiet for a few minutes. "I'm glad I didn't actually die." Tae pipes up, "I remember what you asked me that day... about which regret I feel- I regret trying to do it. It's not really a bitter regret, though. It's kind of like being a little kid and touching a flame after being told you'll get burned... you wish you hadn't and you know to never do it again so you treat the burn and move on." He's sort of rambling so I reach out and gently swat his arm, "You have such a way with words, Tae." I laugh. He smiles brightly and scoots back a bit. "Who were you before you got your heart broken?" He suddenly asks. I swallow and think for a minute, "I was... _happy_. My mother was so sweet and  _so_ annoying... she was magical. I actually used to be uptight and she was so fun and carefree. She would text me pictures of trash and say 'that's you, Soo.'... She would say that I was just as small as I was boring. We were polar opposites but we were a team. She had me when she was eighteen and my father left us when I was a few months old- he said I was too much work but my mother said that was his way of saying that I was a rare gem that his punk ass couldn't afford." I laugh and imagine spinning my mother around in the living room of our Brownstone apartment to a Tom Jones greatest hits CD. Tom Jones was her favorite singer. I haven't listened to him since I lost her. "The only way I can describe losing her is like... having that  _one_ special best friend at school and she's out sick for the day... the day seems long and dull and  _so_ boring... it's lonely but I know that I'll see her after school but the thing is... the school day never ends. It  _never_ ends." I dry swallow and stare at the dark ceiling. Tae touches my hand, "That's exactly how I feel but... I can be that person that makes your day a little less lonely." Tae whispers. I smile and blink back a few tears, "That would be great." I whisper back. "Crying isn't such a bad thing, Soo." Tae says quietly. A tear slides down and wets the shell of my ear, "I cry." I reply casually. "Crying alone isn't that great... it's worst. You feel the loneliest." Tae says matter of factly. "I'm not alone _now_." I whisper. Tae lays across my chest and pokes my nose, "Doesn't it feel better crying with someone around that cares?" He asks. I nod, "Yeah." I reply softly. I feel a bit awkward and wonder if I should wrap my arms around him. "I'm not toxic." He chuckles and I hug him. The last time I cried in front of anyone was when Chanyeol told me that mom might not make it. "I guess this definitely makes us friends now." Tae whispers. I sniffle and more tears fall. He strokes my hair and whispers soft, comforting things to me.

 

"Chanyeol?" I say softly. Chanyeol lowers the car radio as we cruise through Brooklyn. "Hm?" He hums and turns onto Flatbush. "I'm sorry I tried to kill your father." I say awkwardly. He laughs that deep, goofy laugh and reaches a hand over to pat my shoulder, "You did what I wanted to do... I didn't want her to be with him. Seoyeon was the greatest thing to happen to me. My dad had a way of finding the most precious women and fucking their lives up. I watched him drive my mom and so many other women crazy. I begged her to stay away from him. I know you thought I was just being selfish but I needed her to stay away from him. Seoyeon was so special. She was the  _best_. I hate my father for ruining her like that. I wish I could've had  _one_ _more_ moment with her. She was the only person who could call me Dumbo and make me feel good about it." Chanyeol looks sad and I realize that I'm not the only one hurting. "I loved her, Soo. She gave me a stability that my father never had." He's sniffles and blinks a few times. "Was it hard losing your dad?" I ask. "It was a relief, to be honest. All I've ever done is fix his bullshit and ask God why he hated me enough to make me his son. Before he met Seoyeon, he kept telling me that he was losing some battle. I thought he was just being stupid... I didn't know he was sick. I stopped asking him questions after he told me how many brothers and sisters I have." He shudders. "H-how many?" I ask. "Eight sisters and four brothers- their mothers are either dead or infected. Most of them think I knew- they won't talk to me." He's pensive but he holds it together, "At least I have Tatianna. She's the only one who'll talk to me. I love that kid. My dad actually tried to deny that he was her father because her mother is black. He said she was too dark to be his child. She has his eyes and those big ears- just like me." I laugh a little, "It's amazing how we both have had such shitty lives but you handled it better." "I'm not sure how I've held it together for so long." Chanyeol laughs bitterly, "I see him every time I look in the mirror. I _hate_ how much I look like him. It's like I'll never truly get away from him. I think I held on for you. You need it." "You're the first positive male figure I ever had." I say casually. Chanyeol smiles softly, "She told me. She asked me to look after you just before she died. I think I could've done better." We ride in silence for a few minutes. "I think you've done a great job, Chan. I wanna be closer to you." I say suddenly. "I'd like that. We can fix this weird ass family." Chanyeol laughs. "I- I love you, Chanyeol." I stammer. "You do?" Chanyeol gasps. "What the fuck. Yeah, that's why I said it. Say it back, it's getting awkward." I cringe. "I love you too." He giggles. I smile and glance out the window. 

 

Jongin squeezes my hips softly when I straddle his legs. His living room is warm and smells like Jasmine. "We've been here for over two hours now and neither of us are naked. You know that's ridiculous, right?" I whisper and slip my fingers up his shirt. He kisses me, "I just wanna hold you." He wraps his arms around me and his body is warm and firm, "I always miss you when it's bedtime. I miss falling asleep next to you." Jongin whispers. I kiss his neck, "I always miss you." I sigh as I pop the button on his shirt and kiss his neck. "Soo... I don't wanna send you back with marks." He sighs hesitantly. "I don't care." I plead. Jongin pops the button on my jeans, "You're so..." He trails off. "Cute?" I ask softly. "Yes." He laughs fondly and kisses me roughly before pulling away, " _So_ cute."


	5. 4

 

 

_**Kim Taehyung** _

 

"Why do they have to bring us our meals like we're in a hospital?" I ask Kyungsoo as I stir some honey into my tea. "Would you prefer it if they put us all in a cafeteria like we're inmates?" He shot back, once again snuggled up in my recliner. "Point taken." I mumble. "I didn't mean to sleep so late. Where's Amber?" "Doctor McMurphy has her. Usual session... she's okay." He replies, "You're gonna crave normalcy while you're here but you're not normal... you're not like everyone else- none of us are... that's why we're  _here_." He sounds just a little sad, "You have to be careful and you have to do what's right. The funny thing about surviving an attempt is that you start getting full of yourself- start thinking that death can't touch you... that's where you're wrong. Death is still touching you, me, Amber... every single one of us on this floor... it never let us go." He's grim in the most calming way. "It won't always be like this, right?" I ask quietly. Kyungsoo shrugs, "I'm not sure. I've been told so many times that it goes away but I think the people who've said it just got good at ignoring it. I think it's like being blind... you don't like it but it's all you have so you live with it but not all of us are gonna pick up the weight and carry it... We can't all be Ray Charles." Kyungsoo looks at me with a weak smile. "You haven't given up, have you?" I ask and take another sip of tea. "I have to attend the funerals of all of my enemies- I haven't given up. Besides, Jongin and Chanyeol are counting on me." He chuckles. I smile, "You're running on sheer will, love, and spite." He nods. "Pretty much."

 

"Joan visited me this morning before she headed to her audition." I tell Jooni as we stroll through Central Park. The cool Spring air has a bit of chill to it so I slip my hands into my hoodie pocket. Jooni smirks, "You just  _love_ knowing about us, don't you?" "Of course. She suits you." I reply. We continue walking in silence for a few minutes. "Jooni?" I pipe up. "Yeah?" He replies. "I'm sorry for what I put you through. I know that had to be pretty traumatic." I feel my stomach sink but he and I have never talked about it and I know he only ignores it for my sake. "I'm not sorry. I'd rather deal with the memory of finding you like that then deal with the weight of losing you. It may not seem like it, but that was a miracle. I tell myself that so that I don't cry when I think about it." Jooni gives me a warm smile and slinks his arm over my shoulder. I feel guilt roll inside of me and I purse my lips shut. I hate the fact that he's going to have to live with that visual for the rest his life and I know that my guilt will be just as everlasting. "Do you want something hot to drink?" He suddenly asks and I'm grateful for the change of topic. "Yeah." I say quietly. We make our way over to a small snack and beverage stand. "Hot chocolate?" He inquires. I nod and he chuckles. As we wait, I look around at the leaves that are budding slowly but surely. I think about how my mother would always tell me about how seasonal changes were a good time to see one's own personal transformation. "We're like the seaons, my love. We're always changing. Our changes can either bring bitterness like the cold of Winter or beauty like roses in the Spring." She would say. I miss her desperately and wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to hug the pain out of the pit of my stomach. "Yah." Jooni says breaking my train of thought. He hands me a cup and the warmth soothes me for a moment. Just a moment.

 

Jimin and I sit across from each other and sip strawberry milkshakes in a booth inside the Coldstone a few blocks from his apartment. "Are you and Kookie still mad at each other?" I ask. "Not really... it's just awkward." Jimin replies, "Why exactly did you two break up?" I ponder and fiddle with my straw. "It just didn't seem right for us to be together. We can be friends again one day but we just can't be lovers." Jimin sounds disappointed but he almost comes off as passive, "It was fun though... The sex was  _great."_ "Greasy little Jeon Jungkook can acually get someone off?" I ask in disbelief. "Psshh, that boy has  _stamina_." JImin is almost moaning and I'm grossed out but equally amused. "He just keeps _going_. He wouldn't stop unless I tapped out." He sighs and stares at his straw. His mind is obviously in overdrive. "You can't get back with him because he's good in bed." I whisper. "He wasn't _good_ , he was fucking  _otherworldy."_  A young woman guides her teetering daughter over to the booth booth behind me so I spin around and rise up onto my knees, "Miss, she's beautiful." I say quetly then smile at the young girl. "Thank you." The woman says with an awkward smile. I blow the girl a kiss and turn back around. "Now as I was saying... That's  _wrong,_ Jimin." I say lowly. Jimin leans in threateningly close, "Let him fuck  _you_ and  _then_ tell me I'm wrong,  _Tae."_ He spits shamelessly. I lean back and stare at him; he stares back passively. "You're such a slut." I whisper. "Thank him for that." He laughs. I shake my head and sip my milkshake. Jimin looks over at the door and his eyes grow wide, "Shit, what'd you do, talk him up?" I turn around and peer over the top of my seat. Jungkook comes in and heads over to the counter. I smile and watch him order his usual mint chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone. Jimin tenses up, "Tae, so help me  _God_... if you call him over, I-" "Jungkookie!" I call out. Junkgook whips around and his eyes fall on me, "Tae!" He exclaims. He quickly pays the cashier and scurries over. He sits beside Jimin and smiles at me, "You look great." He says, "You say that everytime you see me- you said it yesterday." I laugh, "Gotta keep that self esteem up." He shoots back. "So you're just gonna fucking ignore me." Jimin says and turns to glare at Jungkook. "Well, you wouldn't look at me so I figured that's what you wanted." Jungkook sighs. Jimin scoffs, " _Now_ you care about what I want... cute." "Stop being such a fucking baby. All I've ever done is give you what you want." Jungkooks deadpans and stares at his ice cream. Jimin rolls his eyes, "Move." He says. "What?" Jungkook mumbles. "Move. I wanna get up." Jimin sighs. "No. Keep your ass right there. You can't fucking avoid me forever." Jungkook says trying hide his annoyance. Jimin leans over and steals a few licks of Jungkook's ice cream, "You don't wanna talk to me but you'll eat my ice cream." Jungkook scoffs. Jimin nods and goes in for another taste. "Maybe you two should try again." I interject. "Nope, he's too immature." Jimin objects. "You're just too clingy." Jungkook scoffs. "Am not." Jimin replies and holds Jungkook's hand steady to continue eating his ice cream. "Do you want it? Because I can just go buy another one and you can have this one." Jungkook huffs. "No, I'd rather have yours." Jimin says quietly and Jungkook just watches him with a fond smile. They're in love and it's so unorthodox. "That's why your ass is so fat." Jungkook says and inches closer to Jimin. "You're complaining?" Jimin growls and slaps the ice cream cone out of Jungkook's hand; it lands on the table with a soft, wet thump and the cone crumbles a bit. "Did I say I was complaining? Do I ever complain?" Jungkook half yells, "I don't even complain about how fucking spoiled and overly sensitive you are. Why would I complain about your ass when it's literally the  _only_ thing about you that doesn't make me wanna strangle you?" "So I'm all ass and nothing else?" Jimin asks angrilly and crosses his arms. This is too entertaining and I watch intently. Jungkook slams his hands down on the table and Jimin and I both flinch. "Just admit that you miss me." Jungkook says with a frustrated sigh. Jimin shakes his head, "I miss the sex." He whispers. "You. Miss.  _Me."_ Jungkook says lowly. Jimin looks to me for help and I shrug. "Can I get up... please?" Jimin says. His voice is small. "Why are acting like this when  _you_ broke up with  _me_?" Jungkook asks calmly. I watch Jimin stare down at the table. "He ended it?" I ask curiously. "Not exactly. He just told me that things were so forced and that we were both just going through the motions." Jungkook replies but he never takes his eyes off of Jimin. "I thought you were just using me." Jimin says quietly. "Why the hell didn't you just say that?" Jungkook asks patiently. "People don't admit to doing things like that, Jungkook." Jimin says as he pokes at the melting ice cream with his straw. "You wanted to make me suffer too." Jungkook says more to himself. JImin nods and purses his lips, "It hurt... I didn't know what else to do." "But what about the whole sex thing? You we-" "What the fuck, Tae, shut up." Jimin hisses. "What sex thing?" Jungkook asks. "He was gonna get back with you just for the sex." I say nervously as Jimin glares at me. "Oh...  _really_ , Jimin?" Jungkook says with amusement. "It's better than not having you. I mean I can't exactly poke holes in a condom and use our unborn child to keep you- I don't have a uterus." Jimin mumbles awkwardly. Jungkook laughs and leans into Jimin, "You do love me." He says. Jimin nods and his lips turn up into a faint smile.

 

"My pills make me  _so_ tired, Mr. Dean. I feel like I'm living in slow motion because I'm always sleepy." I complain as I spin around in Mr. Dean's chair. I'm dizzy but at least I feel something other than tired, lonely, and guilty. "Maybe if you stopped staying up so late to talk to Soo, you wouldn't be as tired." Mr. Dean laughs as he slides a book into an empty spot on his brown bookshelf. "You know about that?" I ask as I continue spinning. "Yeah. He told me. If you're tired, take your ass to sleep." Mr. Dean says and takes a seat in the chair in front of his desk. "He's interesting, though." I laugh. "I don't think your boyfriend would like hearing you say that." Mr. Dean laughs. "I don't have a boyfriend." I say slowly. "Hobi isn't- but... why aren't you two dating? I mean, you're  _all over_ each other. It's so cute that it's annoying. God, and the way he says your name- ' _Tae... Tae... **Tae**_ _'_ it's... friggen gross." Mr. Dean cringes a bit. I cover my face and laugh, "I like him but I don't think he likes me that way." "Oh, he does. I'm sure of it. I'll set you two up." He says and rubs his hands together. "Mr. Dean...  _no."_ I plead. " _Yes._ You're both little bitches and you're getting nowhere. I'm just going to talk to him so don't worry. I'm like your cool big brother, you're in good hands."

 

"Dean said that you like me." Hobi says as he shuts his apartment door. I spin around, "Did he? What exactly did he say?" I ask nervously. "He said that you told him that I'm really hot and that you... you- he said you like my ass." Hobi stammers. "Oh my God, I did  _not_ say that." I whine and cover my face. "So you don't like me?" Hobi asks and takes a step closer to me. "Yeah... I- well- yeah but- that wasn't what I told him. He said he was gonna talk to you." I sit on the couch and look everywhere but at him. He sits down beside me- so close, "Well, he  _did_ talk to me..." I shrug, "He's embarrassing." I mutter. "I'm grateful for it. I've been meaning to talk to you about this." Hobi is serious but a smile plays at the corners of his lips and I find myself wanting to just touch him. "Do you still love Yoongi?" He whispers. For the first time ever, I can't say with total assurance that I do. "I... I don't know." I whisper back. He nods and kisses my forehead, "I love you but...  _no,_ I just love you. No 'buts'. Think about it okay? If you find that you still want him, that's okay but I don't want you thinking of him when I kiss you." Hobi says. His smile doesn't reach eyes and I feel a pain in my chest. Maybe this was a bad idea.

 

 

**_June 3rd, 2007_**

 

_"Tae, why do you love everyone?" Mama asks me as she pulls the weeds from the strawberry patch. The backyard is particularly bright and the sun warms my spine sweetly as I knead at a barren patch of wet soil. "What do you mean, mama?" I ask and squeeze at the cool soil. Mama laughs and looks over at me, "Don't mind that question right now but ask yourself that as you get older. You're so special. I know that there are a lot of things going on in your head. I know more than you think I do but I'll wait for you to be ready... I know you'll tell me everything one day but please do it the right way." She says seriously. I stare down at my hands and flex my fingers, "Yes, mama." I whisper. I don't understand exactly what she means but I feel like I'm not supposed to... not yet at least. I look at her and smile. She's so beautiful and I lean forward to kiss her nose, "Mama, you're too pretty for your own good. I wish I could fit you in my pocket and keep you with me all the time." I giggle. "You're the only boy I know that wants to be around his mother all the time." She laughs. "I just like you. One day, I'm gonna live somewhere far away and you'll wish you could fit in my pocket." I say and she plunges her hands into the soil beside mine, "No matter where you go, I'll always be with you. Your heart is far too big for you to not have a little room for me." She says. I nod and cover her hands with soil, "You won't forget to stop and feel the dirt every once in a while, right, mama?" I ask. "Never." She laughs._


End file.
